I Miss My Daughter

If you’ve read a few of my previous posts, you know that my daughter is not a unicorn baby. By that I mean she never slept through the night, she never took a bottle and she refused to leave my bed. Most other moms were bragging about how their baby was sleeping through the night at 3 months, and I battled the every two hour wake up until she was 13 months old. It was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting.

When I first became pregnant, I had envisioned my new life with this little child as this perfect bliss where she slept like a little angel in a field of wildflowers. What I got instead was this red faced, angry baby with demonic sounding screams at bedtime. I did something I swore up and down I would never do.

I bedshared.

It was the only way either of us was getting any sleep. I told everyone I knew that my child would NEVER EVER be sleeping in my bed with me. “It’s dangerous,” I would say. “We need our privacy,” I’d add. “It’s not right,” I reasoned. She refused to sleep in the bassinet, the swing, the playpen, the crib – the only place she was comfortable was in my arms. The next best thing? My bed.

First thing that happened was my husband moved out. He moved into the spare room where he had his own space and didn’t have to worry about crushing her in the middle of the night. He needed to sleep because he was the financial provider and I didn’t argue this. Then she moved in. We have a king size bed, so I placed thick pillows on one edge of the bed and I slept on the other with her safely in the middle. She slept so soundly the first night I couldn’t believe it. It progressed. Instead of waking up every two hours, it was every three hours, then every four hours. We never made to the five hours which is technically sleeping through the night, but compared to before, I wasn’t going to complain (as much).

Recently she moved into her own crib. She’s been there for about two months now and I monitor her through her video monitor. I watch as she breathes in and out, her mouth open just slightly, her hands limp at her sides. Complete and total bliss. She’s sleeping so soundly and I can’t help but think – I miss her. I miss the baby snuggles. I miss the bed sharing. I miss waking up to her every morning. Her sleeping on her own is much better for everyone but for that split second of thought before I went to sleep I wished she was with me.

Treasure every moment because soon you’ll be missing her too.

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